Wednesday, December 30, 2015

So I'm not an alcoholic, but I am an addict...

 "It is impossible to understand addiction without asking what relief the addict finds, or hopes to find, in the drug or the addictive behavior." Dr. Gabor Mate

 i am addicted to drinking... i feel like i can hide everything i felt others never liked about me behind a glass of semi-ok tasting liquid with a short straw and ice... slowly slipping into the warmth of the 'alcohol glow' that i get after one or two drinks.
 i'm addicted to the way it makes me feel. what i know i can get away with and who i get to be with a glass in my hand and a buzz in my head... whether it's good for me or not. and honestly, it's not good for me. i'm escaping a whole host of things through that liquid portal into the place where things are all 'eh.' (those two letters encompass a world of ideas for me... sorry to be so vague...)
 sometimes, it's fun to go out and get a bit blitzed and stumble about with some mates, laughing my ass off, but often, i choose to come home because i want my bed, to be alone with my thoughts, and because my face hurts from smiling or my soul is a little thin from whoring itself out... and for what? 
 it's a way of feeling that i've made a significant human connection... that i've 'put myself out there.' i come home feeling cheap. no matter what the costume, the place, or the people... with a few exceptions that are so few and far between...

 so, in reference to Dr. Mate's quote, the relief i find in my 'drug or the addictive behavior,' is an escape from loneliness. or from boredom. ironically, i have more fun getting ready to go out than i do once i get to wherever it is i'm going for the evening... 

 i know this is all a little jumbled. i'm thinking through it all as i write, and when i sat down to write this post, i honestly was thinking that i wasn't going to drink in 2016, but now, i'm thinking that maybe i won't drink in bars/at bars (in restaurants) in 2016. as in, no social drinking in 2016... not making an event of alcohol... 
 i'm not an alcoholic, but i am an addict. i wish i could say with certainty that i was giving up drinking altogether in 2016, but the idea of not having a bottle of wine by a campfire disheartens me... or the occasional treat of an Irish rootbeer or Stubborn Mule... things i truly enjoy for the drink itself and not just the reward of head hum at the bottom of Glass #3. 
 so yeah. no social drinking in 2016. not going out with for the sole purpose of drinking. interesting how that came up and solidified... wow. i will admit that this frees up quite a bit of time... lol!

Monday, December 28, 2015

2016... and for once, I feel focused... kinda...

  2015 is definitely the best year I've had in a while... a few things resolved themselves, some definitely difficult pieces of me see to have found a resonance with the Universe (instead of someone or something in particular,) and I'm not feeling the addict in me fiending for the manic satisfaction/torment of trying to connect deeply with other people. 

  I want to go into this year reminding myself that what I pay attention to grows. I can choose where my life is abundant and where I prosper. I know I've been scattered all over the place for a while, but somehow, that's ok because it's brought me full circle back to knowing... or not knowing but being. (Whatever it is, I don't care if I can't explain it. I'm just glad to have it.)

 I've been building campfires in my backyard lately. Wanting to be outside. I got a second hammock (one that looks like the kids' at Baylor (the local Baptist university) so I'll be joining what I call the 'pod people.' Seriously. When spring comes, hammocks EVERYWHERE. It's kind of surreal. I'll put a review of it up here as soon as I can reasonably test it out;) I also have my tent-amazing-hammock that I have been dying to use that I think I'll test at the same time. I think I could camp with just a fire and that one. 
  I like the building experience with the fire. The being alone with it. Gathering wood in my neighborhood (which the neighbors are only slightly curious about,) building a little kindling nest and getting it started with my fire-key. I've made fires before, but never without a bunch of newspaper and some lighter fluid or something... this feels more right. More sustainable. More self-reliant.
  Tonight I gathered wood that's been rained on for 3 days. Our fire pit was about half full of water and all I could think was, 'If I can get a fire started with this, in there somehow, I can start a fire anywhere... and that's important... heat. Warmth.' I sunk a big, flat rock in the middle of the water and tried about three different ways with the kindling and finally on the fourth or fifth try, flames that began to feed. :) SUCCESS! 
 Being able to cook on one is next. I'll start with tea;) I did skewer some brats the other night but those don't count. Lol... 

  And I've been reading. I read Clan of the Cave Bear in about 3 days and then started on Valley of the Horses, which I'm almost done with. I'm loving these books! They kind of remind me of a more elaborate Hatchet which was is an all-time favorite for me. The ability to live in nature alone without society and all the crazy appeals to me. I love my share of the crazy consumerism, which is something that I'm working on, and I'm moving more toward sharing and attempting a simpler lifestyle by making shifts out of the main road of 'Go out and drink. Go out to dinner. Go to the movies.' Etc etc etc. Everything is a search for amusement with expense. And my soul is getting crispy on it. Tired of the excess.

 Anyhow, it feels good. I don't know what I'll do this year. I did the year of not buying clothes Feb2014-Feb2015 or something close to that... maybe just continue on the long-term camping path... see where it goes?


Tuesday, December 22, 2015


A Concise Cornucopia of Technique

  Anyone can pick up a paintbrush, fill a cup with water, and grab a child's pan watercolor set for a few dollars and have a go at creating something of their own; express themselves with just a few easy to come by elements. 
  Technique in any medium can be explained to death and usually books find a few that they focus in on with such intensity that it becomes hard for an artist to try something new. Wet on wet... dry on dry... salt and texture and so on and so on... blah.
  Artist, instructor, and author, Helen Birch has brought so many artists to reside between two covers in such a small book and then added her instruction to accompany the brilliant works of art. She covers all of her topics in just a paragraph or two in very concise and descriptive language. She doesn't demonstrate the technique, but one can gather just enough information to try and strike out on one's own. I love this because it keeps the artist from adopting a certain process to get a specific end, and though learned processes are valuable, these are the very ruts that can ensnare the mind into thinking it's 'just how it's done.' 
  Basics such as the Rule of Thirds, Working in Monochrome, and Selecting Paper are just a few selections from the book. Moving into more advanced principles and ideas for example, such as Pareidolia which is the 'tendency among humans to find something recognizable in indistinct forms,' even more advanced artists are sure to find a challenge or more than a few techniques here to either try or revisit.
  By no means is this an overwhelming book or a fully instructional book, and it's not meant to be. It's more of an introduction of ideas or a reminder of something valuable that may have drifted to the back of one's repertoire. 
  A beautiful gift for any artist. I give Just Add Watercolor by Helen Birch a full 5 stars.


***I received this book for free so that I could honestly review it and give my opinion and feedback.

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Look what i made;)

These are my tiny bunnies:) The middle rough one is from some of my handspun as is the green dress on the right;)
You can find the pattern here:)

Saturday, December 5, 2015