Saturday, January 17, 2015

ever feel like you're caged with your own words? years don't fix this... closing your eyes to it doesn't fix it... you can speak, but no one really listens and you're left without the release of resonance.
i feel dry, brittle, and starved... caving in. 

Friday, January 9, 2015

Short dreads!!! And starting the Ipsy, Maven, Swag Bucks Adventure!!!







I'm doing it... I don't care if I'm a little shy, or don't have full on make up on for these... I'm doing this...lol... and so far, it's ok;)

Monday, January 5, 2015

ShaoLan: Learn to read Chinese ... with ease!

Reading Chinese...

 so... Ted Talks are often the inspiration for things that i end up looking into or doing... and this is no exception... apparently, it is easier to learn to read and write Chinese radicals than to speak the language... and so far, it's true. in just a couple of days (since about 12 am last night,) i've been able to learn about 10-12 characters and their meanings, spot them in print on packaging and billboards posted on the internet, and guess pretty accurately on their variations.
 i'm a visual person, and i write... somehow this makes sense that i can understand these this way... if nothing else, if i were in a Chinese speaking country (btw, Japanese characters overlap,) i'd like to at least be able to read and write in Chinese... i have a feeling that grasping this would allow me to speak the language eventually... or i'd like to think so;)
 it'll be out of order, but i'll post the video for the Ted above;) and a link that I'm using for my first 4000 characters here. (Which is a huge goal imo... but they kind of build off of each other, so we'll see;)


hugs and many adventures;)
xo


Sunday, January 4, 2015

not about to post this on Facebook...

 so i get this RANDOM message on my FB messenger from some girl... not going to share her name, mostly because i don't know her... saying, "Stop abusing the '_______s' and move on bitch!" using the last name of an ex-husband... i looked at her last name and messaged my best guess for a 'friend in common,' forwarding the message and letting him know that i hadn't spoken to the ex in question in literally YEARS... nor do i have him on FB... i did send him a friend request after our son had been here for a month... my bad on trying to communicate with the other parent... gah.
but, in the face of all of it, i have no desire for ANYONE to come out of the woodwork, no one to contact me regarding that bullshit life... none of it... but it was definitely a WTF moment... and changes my perception on a few people to slightly lowered opinions than i had previously... not that it matters to anyone but myself... and now i'm definitely laughing at it... it continues... omg.
PEOPLE. MOVE ON. ridiculous....


xo

sickened by myself...

to be perfectly honest, it did not start out to be this
useless... this 'cute...' this practiced, horrible shite...
i'm going to blame learning here...
technique and such...
layering...
otherwise, i will vomit.

do you know how many books teach 'whimsy?'
and i love the artists who do it with sincerity... i do.
but i can't.

tonight is the 1st Full Moon of 2015... in Cancer, which promises all sorts of emotional things rising to the surface...
outbursts...
but focusing is the key, apparently.
not my strong suit.
so i'll do what i know...
outbursts until i get it.

 i don't want to miss anything because i'm trying to 'focus' or interpret the intuition through logic... fuck that. it's not me. i want whatever is coming and i know better than to change horses so close to the race. you don't do that unless they have to be shot... and this one is still running.

 i don't always know exactly what it is that i'm trying to communicate... nature... i can do that... even my own interpretation of nature, but i'm not being honest with this children's art... it is a softer side of me and that's fine... it does exist, but that's all it's been. i can respect it as part of the journey... a healing process... a transition, but fucking hell.

 useless fluff... useless fluff... i was in the middle of creating it... 'creating'... using learned techniques that are a great starting point as long as they are moved away from... quickly... and i started to hate it... i do hate it... thoroughly...

 wtf. i think Christmas was an eye opener... useful and use up is what i asked for... ordinary things needed for life... make them beautiful, but i still want to be able to use them... everything else will be moving on... 
 i found a copy of Aldous Huxley's Doors of Perception... for .25... incredible... i have not yet read it...
 i'm still reading Women Who Run With Wolves... I don't know if Estes condemns this kind of horrific awfulness that has cropped up and put lace doilies everywhere to hide the darker sides that i have started to love... gah, and love completely, but she speaks of two natures of woman... one hidden and the other 'outer' that is seen... neither of these, for me, is this brightly colored... neither, and that is fine...

 i planted my feet... i took a softer edge to balance a sharper one... i took a blunt edge to balance a cutting one... iron sharpens iron but you can't sharpen shite when someone is cutting off your fingers...

 gah... useless. completely useless. none of it fits my dialogue... unless you count the surface ones struck up with strangers at a bar... and those are honest, but scratching the surface... not many stick around through those... i accept my abrasiveness... it helps me dodge bullets... and yet, i suspect i condemn others for the same sin that i commit. visceral words and concepts are more offensive from a woman... even in a feminine state... it is the sexism in our expectations... 

 sigh. work to do... so much work... things to start thinking through from a practical, lifestyle/routine/habits approach... action... no mere thoughts... action... do without doing... there is still a 'do' there... i believe this is the internal integration that bleeds out into our hands and feet... out of our eyes as we see... out of hearts as we feel what must be done...

 the actual labor will not be so dramatic... so horrendous with these 'pretty' fucking words... and fuck that word... if you're going to say it, say it well... this is me. 

 i don't know what i am going to do... i guess we'll see together...

xo.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

26 days until I turn 34...
I think I had a list at some point of all the things I wanted to do before I turned 34, but I'll be darned if I feel motivated to find it... 
i don't.
i'm not going to waste this year on shite... 
so...
26 days to refocus and prepare.
to ease up and lie back on the million unseen hands that support me in this life.
and to be useful, loving, and open to the world around me.
xo