"It is impossible to understand addiction without asking what relief the addict finds, or hopes to find, in the drug or the addictive behavior." Dr. Gabor Mate
i am addicted to drinking... i feel like i can hide everything i felt others never liked about me behind a glass of semi-ok tasting liquid with a short straw and ice... slowly slipping into the warmth of the 'alcohol glow' that i get after one or two drinks.
i'm addicted to the way it makes me feel. what i know i can get away with and who i get to be with a glass in my hand and a buzz in my head... whether it's good for me or not. and honestly, it's not good for me. i'm escaping a whole host of things through that liquid portal into the place where things are all 'eh.' (those two letters encompass a world of ideas for me... sorry to be so vague...)
sometimes, it's fun to go out and get a bit blitzed and stumble about with some mates, laughing my ass off, but often, i choose to come home because i want my bed, to be alone with my thoughts, and because my face hurts from smiling or my soul is a little thin from whoring itself out... and for what?
it's a way of feeling that i've made a significant human connection... that i've 'put myself out there.' i come home feeling cheap. no matter what the costume, the place, or the people... with a few exceptions that are so few and far between...
so, in reference to Dr. Mate's quote, the relief i find in my 'drug or the addictive behavior,' is an escape from loneliness. or from boredom. ironically, i have more fun getting ready to go out than i do once i get to wherever it is i'm going for the evening...
i know this is all a little jumbled. i'm thinking through it all as i write, and when i sat down to write this post, i honestly was thinking that i wasn't going to drink in 2016, but now, i'm thinking that maybe i won't drink in bars/at bars (in restaurants) in 2016. as in, no social drinking in 2016... not making an event of alcohol...
i'm not an alcoholic, but i am an addict. i wish i could say with certainty that i was giving up drinking altogether in 2016, but the idea of not having a bottle of wine by a campfire disheartens me... or the occasional treat of an Irish rootbeer or Stubborn Mule... things i truly enjoy for the drink itself and not just the reward of head hum at the bottom of Glass #3.
so yeah. no social drinking in 2016. not going out with for the sole purpose of drinking. interesting how that came up and solidified... wow. i will admit that this frees up quite a bit of time... lol!