Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Happy New Year for Everyone Else;)

 Ok... so it's officially New Year's Eve day for everyone else... so Happy New Year about 12 hours early...
 I haven't written in a while... I've been pondering and writing gets me somewhere between obsessing, pondering, and processing... so I've been avoiding it. My fingers don't lie when they type... it's kind of a curse and part of why I don't really write fiction...
 I'm verging on manic on the upside and wondering if I want to cut it before it gets there... It's been a while since this kind of happy has hit me... and I am worried... but I'm not... the only thing in my head is 'just have fun,' but that feels like such a lie...
 Life is so serious and not at all serious all at once for me. I am serious about the experiences... and I want ALL of them... It is time to get off my ass and beat the complacency that has been eating me alive for the past two and a half years... I found a few passions that I'm guarding with my being and I've kept them to myself... I know that completely becoming them is the resolution of the two halves of me and that will mean the end of living anything but my truth... I don't hide as it is and often it leaves me quite lonely... so putting my truth out there in anything but type... gah. WTF is that going to do to me? It could be the best thing... it could be the end of me... I'm pushed toward thinking it would be the best...
 I am messy... I am learning to love myself completely and it's been so much fun since being involuntarily limited to exposure to those who do not love me because of who I am, but in spite of it... and love out of spite... I don't think I need to explain. I fall in love with my friends because I see these sparks in people... and I avoid the hell out of those that don't sparkle for me... but a guy that literally glows and radiates love yelled all sorts of goodness into my soul the other night in a crowded bar, so I'm thinking about my truth...
 I don't think holding everyone as close as those I love is a good idea for me personally... I am too easily destroyed by those that I felt an off 'thing' about... I should have paid attention to my instincts and my intuition. I will say that I have since, and I do believe I've dodged a bullet or two.
 There are those for whom I have no boundaries... I offer trust up front for those few... and there are those I'm watching... waiting to see if I can venture out onto the proverbial limb... the ones with no boundaries get me... pretty much all of me as I am as they stumble across it... and then the watching for a flinch or a cringe starts... I don't want to see it, and I look the other way for the first few... those who don't... there aren't many who don't.
 I do love myself enough not to stay secluded and alone with mejustme. I need others around me to flinch and cringe, but to be willing to be completely present to do so... not in judgement, but for me to measure myself against so that I can either make the decision for change or to purposely decide that that's who I am and continue...
 Those who have said, 'That's just her' and meant it out of love are my favorites... especially those who do it in an effort to reinforce that I can be trusted and am a person who is worth knowing... And those who have said, 'That's just her' and quickly added, 'she's one of us or mine....' words cannot begin to describe the bliss that is for me.
 I can trust my intuition... I can trust my instincts... and I can live my beautiful, messed up truth... 2015. Thank God it's going to be an odd year.


Saturday, December 27, 2014


what shall i do today?
i can't wait to see;)

Painting Watercolors inspired by music, the music man project

 i truly forget the gift that is the pleasure that comes from making things... this is beautiful...

oh Alan... i wish i knew you...

"Working rightly, the brain is the highest form of “instinctual wisdom.” Thus it should work like the homing instinct of pigeons and the formation of the fetus in the womb — without verbalizing the process or knowing “how” it does it. The self-conscious brain, like the self-conscious heart, is a disorder, and manifests itself in the acute feeling of separation between “I” and my experience. The brain can only assume its proper behavior when consciousness is doing what it is designed for: not writhing and whirling to get out of present experience, but being effortlessly aware of it." -- Alan Watts

effortlessly aware... gah... but not having to know 'how' or verbalize the process... i am in awe...

'Those who prefer their principles over their happiness, the refuse to be happy outside of the conditions they seemed to have attached to their happiness...' Albert Camus

This Moon Cycle...

 I recently wrote about this whole adenomyosis thing and the pain that goes with it... Right after I wrote that, I started doing some deeper digging and found a whole mess of pharmacology to untangle and then started spending time listening to my body...
 So... clue... excess prolactin in the body can cause adenomyosis... ok, so what causes excess prolactin and how do you know if you have it? The almighty Dr.'s say that the only way to know for sure is to blood test, but there are a whole host of other symptoms... one is lactating when not pregnant... Bingo... not all the time, but sometimes... and yes, sorry, it's kinda yuck for those of you who aren't up on the whole baby thing... 

 Two dots connect... kind of. A lot of intuitive reading was going on here... lemme tell ya. What causes heightened prolactin? A lot of times, it's indicative of a pituitary tumor... YIKES... but wait a minute... our bodies tell us so many things all of the time... need to slow down and listen... and then the word 'meds' popped into my head... ok... not really a word...

 Follow it... medications that can increase prolactin... another Bingo! Antidepressants... I'm on 10mgs a day... it's enough for AWFUL withdrawal symptoms when I run out, what about other effects on my hormones (prolactin is a hormone...) Checked for lists of medications... Yup... Paroxetine or Paxil (brand name) was on the list. Gah! (Body... I am sorry...)
 Without going into a whole game plan, but giving a basic idea of what worked for me, there is a whole ecosystem in our bodies and we have to listen to it constantly... kind of like the whole world conservation, global warming, endangered species thing... but taking care of ourselves so we don't become dependent on the government, big pharma, or the general public because of our bad habits... 

 Yes: Basic Idea... 
*Lowering my Paroxetine to 5mgs a day... with the intent of going completely off of it if possible... sounds easier than it is... the brain likes its meds, and this one in particular is HIGHLY addictive and has EXTREMELY SEVERE withdrawal symptoms... I know... I've run completely out before and became a total mess for 4 or 5 days... it was bad. This time, however, it's been nightmares, sleeplessness, and feeling either like I'm 'phasing' or leaving my body 4" behind me when I move... and sometimes feeling like I'm being constantly violating feeling. 
(I did not research before beginning to ingest... I should have... shaking my head... I do now... A TON.) 
--The phasing has subsided as well as the feeling of electrocution... I used to be a regular run-in with electric fences on the farm as a kid... I know what it feels like.
--The nightmares and sleepless stuff has gotten worse... and the later it gets, the more paranoid and hallucinatory I get... but I think it's going to start slowing after this whole New Moon thing that has hit...
--But we are 3 weeks successful on only 5mgs a day! Yay!

(Here's where I mention that Paxil is an SSRI... meant to increase serotonin levels in the brain... to combat the decrease and lessen what the effects could be, increasing GABA, the hormone responsible for the release of serotonin in the body, seemed to be a good idea... GABA also helps regulate dopamine at the proper levels in the body... See the BIG spider's web forming here?
 Also... GABA reduces the anxiety nerve impulses in the body... it also helps with digestion, bloating, insomnia and all sorts of stuff in the body... 
--Ginko Biloba is what I'm currently taking for this, but again, Vita B6, Chamomile, St Johns Wort with a host of others are GABA agonists (fancy science word for 'stimulating production or release in the GABA neurotransmitters...' or something like that...)

*Naturally lowering Prolactin... treat food as medicine. It's more than time... 
--Potatoes, bananas, chicken... non GMO lower it... because of the Vitamin B...
--Treat Vitamin B deficiencies (we often don't get enough in our food...) didn't test for this... just started taking a B Supercomplex and an additional B6 with it... 
--Zinc... take in Zinc... for me, this meant making sure that I was taking in quality, organic red meat... not hamburgers and fries... lol... LOVE THEM THOUGH! And lots of beans... I actually like black beans with a lot of things, so just making sure that they make it on the menu a few times a week.
--Eating 51% Raw... This is something I've been trying for anyway... Veggies don't get cooked unless it's corn... and the veg we've been getting has been from an organic food co op here in town-- supporting the local agriculture and not transporting food across the country (NEEDLESSLY.) I do go to the grocery store to buy it when I run out... I need to schedule better with my Farmer's Market on Saturdays...

***Chastetree is an herb known to lower prolactin and takes a bit of time... I didn't want to have to buy anything new as spending money is a habit I am working to get out of... and having some success;) I already had the B vitamins...

So those things were the immediate 'YES' factors... and then I kept reading... Dopamine is the naturally Prolactin inhibitor in the brain... gah. So how do I raise my dopamine levels naturally?

***Note: I had been ingesting INSANE amounts of coffee while living alone in my apartment... 5-6 cups a day... sometimes more... maybe unconsciously self-medicating as coffee gives you a shot of dopamine. When I had to start staying with my guys because they were stupid sick, I didn't have the normal intake as I had other things to do... and then we moved into the new house, and now I'm down to a cup a day... sometimes 2. No more self-meds giving me those dopamine shots... and that is where the pain SERIOUSLY started... the weird cycle symptoms started before that along with the lactating...

--Eat bananas... I don't do this... I'm kind of allergic... ok, occasionally I eat them anyway... but most fresh fruits have natural chems in them that raise dopamine
--Exercise... I'm working at this with yoga and pilates at home... plus we have hardwood floors so I sweep and then swiffer... it's a pretty big house...
--Ingest Vitamin C and E every day... The C's are easy... it's flu/cold season around these parts... 
--Whole grains... same as the fresh fruit...

 It's not any one thing, but a lot of things coming together to help get my body back into the zone and healthy... This month, literally almost ZERO pain, and considering where I was last month, it's the difference between being stabbed in the uterus from EVERY POSSIBLE ANGLE and feeling pretty zen... no real emotional outbursts, despite the change in meds... etc etc etc... 

 It makes me happy to be reconnecting with my body this way... I am grateful that this is where it all starts to make sense, and in a way, grateful for the pain... wonderful motivator... ugh... lol.

 BTW: Meditation and just deep breathing exercises  have been a key part as well... We exhale toxins... and fat, oddly enough... google it. 

 While I'm not a doctor and this is getting a bit rambly for even me, I am in a much better place and loving it... ;) Nothing feels as rewarding as being able/educated enough to do what big medicine told you couldn't be done... and I won't end up having a hysterectomy... not because of this. ;)


Sunday, December 21, 2014


 i'm in this spot, reevaluating my idea of a strong 'foundation.' i'm looking to reconnect to nature and its cycles... the changing moon... and my body and its natural rhythms... 
 to be honest, the past couple of years have been nothing short of ridiculous, where any given day could be ruined with a text, a glance at Facebook (more on this evil later,) or some other external thing... not amazing.
 so i'm letting go of some things... i've gotten rid of some stuff... i'm breaking away from Facebook... no one should be able to see/monitor the kind of stuff you can through that thing... i've deleted numerous conversations, removed people from my Messenger, and i already feel better... 
 so my question is where to start? i know that i don't want to feel abandoned... friendless... lonely... hollow... and that's where i've been even when carrying on drunk, working a couple of jobs while going to school full time... etc etc etc.
 i do want to be myself so unapologetically me that there is no mistake about who and what i am... this encompasses so much in itself... being kind, generous, a nurturer, ridiculous;), happy, mysterious, curious, sensual, smart, 1/2 hippie, a lover of expensive hotel rooms (a forever weekness;), and everything in between and a list that wraps around the earth 6 times over... make that 7. i like odd numbers... especially the first few primes... 3,5, and 7.... mmmmm... idk;)

*i have a couple of chairs and a table in my backyard... spend some time in them... whatever i feel like doing while out there is awesome....
*relax into whatever i'm feeling in my cycle... retreat? ok. clean like a mad woman? ok. sleep? ok....
*create art and things that i love... i need more practice in this... i've had a good time this holiday season;)
(I think these will get me started;)

 Start with a base of me. Be wary of adding anyone else. My family is around me. Wrap up in a blanket of elusive until heart, soul, mind, body, and spirit are healed... and then love unconditionally but open no spaces... Receive, but do not need... Slow to entangle... Slow to need to trust... 

 Yes... it's a message of cautionary living for a time... I'm not in a place to throw myself carelessly around anymore... I can give, but I can't put myself in a place where I need to ask... for anything... for a while. I don't trust atm... 

 so yeah... and i'm off to think... read... write... goodnight;)


Friday, December 19, 2014

Currently... List #8

I am...
reading: The Unknown She by Hilary Hart
listening to: nothing really... same old stuff... i guess the Lisa Gerrard is new;)
watching: Warehouse13... so far, i like it!
eating: hummus and corn chips, cottage cheese and anything else that increases GABA as i'm searching for natural ways to heal my body
drinking: water, coffee, and sweet tea
loving: that tomorrow is Saturday and i'm going out with my boys tomorrow morning and on a date tomorrow
hating: that it doesn't feel like Christmas... i'm admitting that i don't feel connected to the spirit even though we've gone the non-consumerist route...
dreading: honestly, the next two weeks of Christmas break with Ez... he really likes school and i'm worried that i really like being alone with quiet during the days... i'd say it makes me feel selfish, but i'm letting go of that...
waiting for: the right time to purchase things... we're navigating out of a hole financially and we're going to get there!
dreaming of: reconnecting to nature... walking in some woods... seeing wolves in my meditations (i have been, so now i watch for them... sometimes the come, sometimes they don't,)... creating art.... creating my life... continuing to create this tiny jewel of a home that my family loves...


A woman is...

 a highly intuitive, translucent, powerful being containing all the stars in the universe
continuously connected to the One, receiving vast amounts of information in waves of feeling
 a nurturer… not only for others, but for herself
for the souls of others… for her own soul… their bodies… her body
 an adventurer… in touch with nature and natural cycles as her own body echoes the rhythms
a mystic as her spiritual side is intrinsic to the rest of her
 beauty… inside and out possessing charms that no man could ever understand
a receiver of indescribable pleasure, knowledge, wisdom, and insight
 an enchantress that gives dreams life for herself and others
a life giver… birthing the world 
 a maze to wander forever discovering new corners and delights
comfort and safety to those enclosed in her arms
 a lover for life to those who have known her intimately
a rememberer of stories and legends… including the ones of those around her
 a mystery to herself… a constant work of weaving, untangling, connecting and understanding


 i just stumbled over a practice created by a Jodo Shinshu Buddhist named Yoshimoto Ishin... naikan is the practice of 'inside looking' or introspection... the practice centers around 3 questions...

*What have I received from Person X?
*What have I given to Person X?
*What troubles have I caused Person X?

and purposely ignores the question 'What troubles has Person X caused me?'

 i can see the benefit of such a practice... especially if you're systematically going through the relationships surrounding you... it could definitely help foster a sense of gratitude that would one day, hopefully, tip the scales in favor of being grateful for the other person instead of feeling harmed, damaged, or abandoned...

 i'll admit that these days, i'm not in the mood, but i'll try it... not being in the mood to do something that crosses my path is usually an indication that it's connected or might lead to something i don't want to deal with... which makes it all the more important... gah.


Thursday, December 18, 2014

i'm sure everyone has gone through the thing where you're told that you can trust yourself and then you start getting some awful stuff through your intuition?

things i do... and still don't understand...

i read tarot
for me, it's a process
just feeling
i don't understand it
but when people validate 
what i'm feeling for them
and they say it helps
i don't need to understand

the question is there for the asking
when it should be asked
the insight is given as it's needed
i'm stumbled upon as i can help
no more no less

everything is connected
it isn't magic
just another way of passing 
along a message
the message was always there
just needed the right person 
to pick it up at the right time
until then, i'll hold onto it.

Monday, December 15, 2014

no list... changed my mind...

 i'm ok. for the most part. i tend to disappear when exhaustion hits more frequently... or if i'm feeling like i have the flu (buzzing in my ears, headache, nausea, crazy dizziness, and body aches...) or if i'm just in flat out pain.
 i adjust to whatever i'm doing, and it's great when i have things to distract me... probably part of why i subconsciously loved/hated work with every shred of my being... i'm still disentangling from that mindset...
 i'm in the early part. the only 'known' cure is a hysterectomy... not yoga. not Tylenol. not 'getting over it.' (you may suggest any of these if you would like a punch to the face.)
 i'm not just affected when i'm on my period. sorry. but i do have about 10 grrrrreat! days 5-7 not so great days and those tend to blend and are interchangeable with 'ok, just take everything out now... i think there's a half-sharp knife in the drawer' insane pain days...
 there are days when i feel fine, except that everything female and my legs hurt... i don't know how you get menstrual cramp pain in your thighs, but it totally happens... and it SUCKS.
 stress doesn't help... stress primes your muscles... and the uterus is a muscle... connect the dots, please.
 the stress cycle atm for me is a little bit like:

Me: hey... can we not do that?
I: Oh, come on... we can do it. We know we can do it...
Me: i know, but i'm already tired...
I: but....
Me: ow ow ow.... sitting down, breathing deep, and as a last resort, swallowing Vit B complex and some pain pills...
I: We haven't even done any....
Me: i'm tired... we'll talk about this later... i can't keep my eyes... gah....

yeah... that. so, that's a lot of personal, but that's part of where i am... but if that's not enough, you can also buy the Bipolar2 extendo pack and create the Ultimate, Monster CONFUSE-A-LOT toy with lots of unidentifiable pieces and no instructions... all assembly required... with a help desk phone number that costs $40 per call...

i will admit that i'm sitting here, debating on whether to delete or publish this... and what to do with the previous one... last night and today have been a little rough on me... and not too long ago, i got a text about 'me and my illnesses...' wow. if that doesn't just make someone feel like... invalid? childish? hypochondriac? do i need a Dr's note? a liar?
i don't want to seem like i'm whining, and yes... life seems to have piled some stuff up, but i am in a so much better place than i was a year ago! ;) but for me, and my doc, this shit is real... i'm dealing with it, meditating, taking the vitamins, doing the yoga, salt baths... all the stuff... guarding my mentality... but i did want to share where i'm at. this is it.

casey is supportive because he's seeing it every day... and most days, i'm fine, but there are days where i say something like, 'Can we grocery shop at Target? I don't think I can get through HEB... my legs hurt... '

i love me. i am embracing this as part of my journey... not to do so will kill me in a myriad of ways... i am so grateful for everything i have in this life, and for the spot i'm in right now... i have things i want... things i hope and wish for, but in this moment, i am bliss.

thank you for those of you who are with me... and for those of you who want to be... i appreciate it;)


disclaimers and warning labels from my box...

 i'm sitting here, trying to think of a good way to start this, because honestly, i never thought i would write about it. however, i've been looking into my options, watching and reading things about the symptoms, diagnoses, and other things tied into it, and trying to make sure i'm not just crazy... even though i feel like it a lot lately.
 in September or October, i visited my ObGyn due to intense pelvic pain... it felt like i was having long, large needles inserted and carefully stabbed into my female parts... 360 degrees of pain... not one area in specific, but all of them. i was beyond reasonably tired (but the depression aspect of this had been successfully medicated for over a year,) my lower back hurt, i had a headache, i was nauseous, i gained a significant amount of weight in a couple of days (3-4 lbs,) and none of my clothes fit overnight. seriously. overnight. i was there. i wanted to curl into a ball and cry... but i'm not like that, so i'm sure there were swear words, putting on of clothes, and then tearing up on my way to work, and eventually to the doctor's office.
 in high school, i had insanely bad periods... my legs would feel like they wanted to fold inward and put me on the floor, which would have been perfect if i could be left there to sleep it all off... i was and am still prone to stay away from people during that part of my cycle because i am mean... i can't see which side is up and i know that i'm hurting people and myself, but i can't see straight enough to move away from everyone... so i would collapse and wait... i still do.
 all of these things got worse as time went on, although i was told repeatedly that it 'would all work itself out after i had children.' lies. maybe it does for some... idk. it didn't for me. at the same time, the weight gain, the bloating (i hate that word,) and the crazy pain instead of just really bad entered the scene more significantly in March of this year... (although, side note: sometimes i wouldn't even realize that i was in any significant amount of pain at the beginning of my period until i took a LOT of Tylenol or some Vicodin... and then when everything eased, it was like i could finally exhale... i had been white knuckling...)
 so at the dr's office, we had some uncomfortable interactions... gah... lol... guys... i encourage you to go see a gyno with your girl... you'll never be the same... and yes, i know there are some guys reading this...
 so at the dr's office... an ultra sound was ordered, and a week later i was back... and on my back watching a screen that apparently made sense to the woman pressing into my abdomen (which also hurt) at weird angles, trying to get 'a better look' at some dark spots... no explanation, just a ton of attention to these 'spots' that i could see clearly, but no conversation... SUSPENSE. 
 mr. doc arrived, took two minutes to look around, measured some things on the screen, and flipped it off... my ob is very humorous and can make the idea of having to have a c-section a cake walk to a girl that never wants to be opened... for anything. this time, it was a smile, and a 'here's where we discuss options....' 
 i have 'slight' adenomyosis... meaning that the walls of my uterus are just beginning to thicken... permanently. it's a condition that happens because the lining that grows every month breaches into the muscular walls of the uterus and stays there. they have theories only about the cause. i'll spare the gory details, but my periods last about 10 days but i feel like i'm on them for about 20... ask anyone who's known me for ANY length of time recently... it sucks. 
 the pain has gotten worse and the exhaustion is literally a thing where i'm alert and wanting to do things, but my body is just done and wipes out. i take a nap every day, and when it's time for bed, i can sometimes sleep, sometimes not, and sometimes i can get comfy and sometimes not... idk.
 this isn't something i get a break from... and the pain and emotional confusion/distress aren't separable. they kinda stick together... no dividing line. even when i'm not 'on it,' i feel tired, sometimes dizzy, and a lot of times like i have the flu or something... i did do something stupid and i'll be fixing that in the next month... i unscheduled my annual because they wanted to do some blood work... and because the co-pays for 3 visits end up being like $120.
 also... any mummies reading will understand this... my muscles twitch like i'm 22 weeks into pregnancy... if i was crazy, i would swear that i had caught 'babies.' it's this weird, sick, twisted thing... and it happens all the time. i'm done having kids. i have two awesome boys... i'm set;) i wish i'd had a girl... had the patience to be pregnant... etc etc etc... but whatevers... no emotional turmoil over no longer being in a child-bearing condition.
 but the only 'cure' is a hysterectomy... and my first instinct was no. we manage the pain. and then it was maybe, but with a lot of reading and meditating, i'm back to absolutely not. we manage the pain... change diet, change life... whatever. the uterus is an integral part of the body's female structure down there... you have to cut ligaments, muscle, nerve bundles and move things to get it out, no matter how you do it... (i am not a doctor... so please don't leave comments... this is just how i understand it atm and yes, i'm still reading.) and then everything down there, because there is now an open cavity, shifts to fill it... i don't remember being able to just shake Mr. Operation to rearrange his parts without that stupid buzzer going off...
 so... that's my experience so far... but i'm going to list some stuff on the next one because i want it up top in case people don't want to read all this... i wouldn't if i didn't have to...


Sunday, December 14, 2014

we are told from the beginning to be ourselves
that different is not only ok, but good
so where does it start that we slap each other down for it?
are you afraid of not blending in?
i'm not
so back the fuck up and get ahold of yourself.
oh... and get out of my way...


i felt luminous this morning
like i could breathe 

 i talked myself out of my own perceptions for a while... not saying anything... not wanting to find fault with others in a way that would solidify that i might be valid in my sadness, my fractures, my damage... out of fear of backlash. i let that go... 
 i am valid. and though i refuse to victimize myself, and though i stayed, there have been some genuine douchebag (yes, i know, high class there...) moves by people i really care about. but i'd been just chucking those to the side out of love, fear, and anything else that would allow me to continue on my way without confronting these things even with myself. 
 i'm not saying that i'm not guilty as well, but i've been made aware of a lot of stuff and i've said nothing, which is not a virtue. i don't believe in yelling at someone for their faults... i love people the way that they are, but some things are just inconsiderate or like i said, flat out douchebaggery... 
 so this is what helps me move on... this is what helps me remember to stay unattached to this world... this life... these people... i question my commitment because i don't see it on their end... but their end doesn't matter, does it. i am committed, but gah... sometimes it is tested, isn't it.
 anyway... that's unapologetically me...

 thank you for reading through my angst... i'm feeling better;)


Saturday, December 13, 2014


  so the last six months... or year, depending on how you look at it has been about loss for me... and today, i felt the last bit of my walls go back up, and i can't say that i regret it or that i'm going to start trying to be vulnerable to people again atm... i'll watch for the spark, but i am so wary.
  this is my war, and obviously, it must be with myself because the only common denominator here is me... but i'm not changing me... the mass patterns are the ones that are tolerated/expected/wanted by most people... it's what they've been trained to desire... like seeing the same commercials or product in a store over and over again... well, i'm not it.
  so this is where my 'fight club' attitude comes in... don't talk about me, how you want to be friends with me, or anything else with me... show me... SHOW ME. stand on my proverbial porch and wait... i will shout you down before letting you into the house... 
  i'm sick of being consumed and spit out... has anyone looked into that? the consumerist mentality concerning interpersonal relationships? as in, i got what i want, and now i'm done with you? i know i invest too much... give too much, and allow the other party to remain passive... so blamelessly, i-didn't-ask-you-to-do-that passive. 
  understand my reaction... it doesn't just inconvenience me... it doesn't just mean that i have more time to fill... it doesn't just mean that i have one less friend to hang out with... it hurts. it breaks my heart because it loves almost immediately... it carves out a space for this person and makes it a 'whatever you need' spot... a commitment... a place of loyalty... i am left without a soul that i love, and though they walk away, i still love that soul... i am still loyal. still there. even in the absence. 
  i go through their crises, their drama, their losses, and then when i need it someone to lean on... someone to listen, they are unavailable. seriously. unavailable... even to the point of inhumane standards... sickening. seriously sickening. 
  i'm just done. i'm done for a while. i'm tired of this. i've been so hard on my soul... i've blamed myself for things and then been thrown down with the accusation of victimizing myself... know what? to some degree, that's true... i should have been pointing out the hard evidence of the crap that has been thrown my way. there was an offender, but to point fingers was beneath me... i want to say that i thought myself stronger than that, but really, i was scared. scared of being abandoned by someone i loved...

so here's what i've learned:

1. LOVE YOURSELF UNAPOLOGETICALLY AND DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CHANGE FOR ANYONE: allowing people to 'speak into your life' is a gift... a sign of trust. considering their advice and applying it is one of the highest honors you can give... sounds weird, but think about it. so follow your own intuition. when changing yourself becomes a condition of a relationship or a friendship, walk away. or better yet, RUN. 
  you are you... and you deserve to love yourself. think of you before you try to overextend for others... can you emotionally afford it? what about a month from now? will you still feel the same way? is there a give and take in this relationship or just a take? i honestly couldn't do anything for myself without doing something three or four times better for someone else without feeling guilty... and that's not right. you have to be able to give to others, but also to  yourself. and you must give freely to yourself. emotionally, mentally, physically, and materially. 

2. WHEN WORDS THAT SIGNIFY A GREATER INVOLVEMENT OF SPIRIT, SOUL, HEART...WHATEVER....COME INTO PLAY, STEP BACK: i'm not saying to be afraid of commitment, but ANY time the word 'love, commit, loyalty,' or anything of the sort in reference to the relationship is spoken by either party, step back... maybe three steps back and just look at it for a while... think of yourself as hunkered down in the bushes, watching actions... observing the person objectively as though outside yourself... see if you can tell what's really going on before you agree internally to feel or return any of these things.

3. DON'T STRING YOURSELF ALONG OR MAKE EXCUSES: once you see, experience, or hear the 'truth,' depending on how you come by it, verify, and then be done. it hurts... good God, it hurts, but get out. decide if you can afford the friendship, but i'd say to downgrade to acquaintance if possible... if not, walk away for a while... a long while.
  and when other people start to ask questions like, "if this is how it is when you aren't close or together, imagine what it will be like when you are..." or "how do you deal with this?" or "have you been crying?" it's time to ask someone to help you step back... i wish i would have...

  now, i've been hooked. there are fish hooks in my heart that i can't seem to rip out without destroying myself all over again, but do i leave them in and allow the constant pull? or do i rip them out and hope that it all heals fast? at least i'm down to just a few... and i'm avoiding the little silvery words and interactions that flicker in the depths... so still that i think i could swallow them whole... 
  i'm waiting for one who can keep up... one who runs beside me... treating me the way i want to be treated... the way i've treated others... being good to me the way i've been good to others... 
  i will say that now that i don't have a job, i have to be more careful about my 'sugar mama' tendencies... and that seems to keep a lot of assholes at bay... i share everything... inside and out... it's insane. and telling... 
  this is my angst atm... this is where i'm at. not feeling loved at all... not feeling like i can trust anyone... save for a few that have known me for years... know my spirit... and ask for nothing, but give... they don't need to ask... and they know. ;) they are spread out all over the US... and i miss them... 
  i'm in it up to my eyeballs right now... last night was awful... but i am stronger than this... and it won't last forever... i've just allowed more damage and self-torture than usual... we've stopped just shy of the Chris Harper experience... omg. i'm still alive... i don't ever want to go through that again.

  but this is me... this is it... for now... thank you for reading, my darlings... i wish i knew a few of you;)


Wednesday, December 10, 2014

we are all made of stars

Being Present...

 Tonight we ate at one of the residence halls on the campus where Casey works... we eat cheap, well,  and it saves us from having to wash dishes.
 On our way in, Ezra eagerly greeted the tennis players on the courts next to where we parked (he likes to eagerly greet EVERYONE...) and on our way out, he said hello to an older lone player on the court, who immediately smiled and asked if he wanted to hit a few balls... omg, it was like this is exactly what Ezra had been waiting his whole 5 year old life to do!
 Very excited, he ran out to the man (whose African name I cannot spell or pronounce, but whose smile and kindness I won't soon forget,) and I watched my boy glow with delight as he was shown how the 'bounce and brush' was going to work.
 I also watched this stranger glow as he shared his passion with my child... he was there... in the moment. He was present. We passed by and he saw the chance to share, and it was beautiful and amazing.
 A tennis lesson for Ez, who is now convinced that when he grows up, he wants to be a 'tennis ball player...' and a soul-lesson for me in showing up... in being in the moment... in feeling and following that intuition that nudges us to be someone in another person's life.
 Who knows what seeds were planted tonight in the three of us due to the kindness and passion of a beautiful heart? Who knows how long Ez will remember that man, but I bet the next time we pass those courts, he'll point them out and talk about tonight...  Further, who knows what changed in the hearts and minds of the other people passing by as they saw this person's enthusiasm for showing an excited little spiritual being in human form how to swing and hit a tennis ball over the net?
 The Universe changed for the better tonight, and I am still absorbed in the glow...

ilovesyoudarlings...allofyou, and GodblessyouShya...whoeveryouare. ;)



ps... reverb14:generosity... to me, this is the ultimate generosity of spirit and love....

Tuesday, December 9, 2014




my search for the past few years has been a return to the undomesticated, feminine rhythm of our connection to moon cycles, the natural cycles of the earth, our ebb and flow of productivity and rest, and so much more... my life has been about rhythm lately. 

in thinking about this word, i feel a welling up of stress from my core... a tightening in my shoulders as i know that i have not yet arrived... an urge to get up and continue my search, but at the same time, i know the challenge at this time is to let go, soften into my intuitive direction, and surrender... stop doing. just be. 

my house... my dwelling is part of this. it has to be. i can't not do the laundry, sweep the floors, wipe down counters, dust... this is my sanctuary... this is where i nourish my soul and hopefully, the souls of others. i want life here... comfort... and for me, this is about providing these things... 

my body is also teaching me about rhythm... i find myself unrolling my yoga/pilates mat in the mornings before my morning shower. stretching and warming up my muscles gets me started and ready. meditating as i cool down. working the subconscious through the body and quieting the mind while setting intentions through the heart.

i resist rest for some reason. maybe because the house is silent and i feel no deadlines... no pressure. i put pressure on myself to get things done. it's part of how i justify my existing unemployed... that probably needs to sit under the 'stop doing,' but i can't bear the idea of having more to clean the next go around. more stress because things are messy when it takes me 20 minutes here and 10 minutes there to keep things orderly and peaceful.

that's me atm with rhythm... i'm looking for a natural one. one that allows me to be in connection with my soul...

have a lovely day, darlings;)


Monday, December 8, 2014

once i was told that i was a siren in a former life
and a mystic in this one...
that i peer into others too deeply
and it makes them uncomfortable...
that i give too much
but expect too much of someone in the human condition...
and i have said that i don't want friends
i want souls.
i want a connection with the very core of a being.
i want unity and communion with those that hold the spark.
that elusive thing that glimmers for a moment
and then disappears leaving me on the edge
wondering if i give chase or dismiss.

 just a few moments ago, it occurred to me that this is what i've been doing... chasing down a connection... every time. i haven't understood my hunger or my loneliness, and i still don't. what little i grasp only throws enough light to show that there is a vast distance between this shred of learning and the next. what i think i may grasp is that i've been serving myself, and that is not what i should be doing... 
 it is so hard to sit still and accept only what is given... especially when yearning for that communion that comes so hard won, but shouldn't be won at all. Instead, it should be received as the gift that it is... and i've borne witness to a prime example, and yet, i was so blind to my own demands.
 sit still i must. offer what i can of the love and comfort that flows through me... the soul that desires unity... not grasp nor reach... i will sit and bear the stillness of my being, mind, heart, and soul as a torture of grace... and will wait. wait for those who seek as i do or who are in need.
 stop doing... start being... and there is the fear... 

bear with me, my loves... i am only human in this life...


Waning Gibbous: Letting go, Softening, and Surrender

 There is a blog that I read regularly... if you look to the right in the list, it's The Wild Woman Project, and each moon phase, they talk about the feminine responses to the moon cycle...

 Earlier this afternoon, I was beginning to feel pain in my lower back... last night, I felt the first forward nudges of irritable aggression... and just this eve as I'm steeling myself to withstand another reaction to my cycle, which does match up with the waning part of the moon cycle, I see the post and the words, 'Letting go, Softening, and Surrender' pop out at me... and all at once, a sigh of relief and an unclenching of my fists...
 I've always either had to hold on tight through this period of time or seclude myself away from people... and either way, my teeth, mind, heart, and soul were rattled senseless by the awful ride. I fight it all the way or fall into it and sleep it off... which takes days or weeks...
 So, this time, I'm trying the deep breath, letting go, softening, and surrendering... I will listen for my intuition and be honest about what is going on in my heartspace. I know that there are things that surface during this time every time and I will move through this time, asking for and expecting those things... I will practice radical self care and love during all of this...
 Life is supporting me... let it carry me through this... soften and float... let go and journey... surrender to what is... trust... omg trust... trust my intuition... my heart... my body...

what connection to the moon cycles do you notice? do check out the Wild Woman Project;)


reverb14: Day 7

selfies... how i hate the word... i will show you the face i've shown many over the past few months... to catch the authentic me, you have to know me as i am walking through my day, falling asleep, waking up... making my morning coffee... putting Ez in bed... driving me home after one too many... watching me stumble through taking my shoes off... watching my soul paint... listening to me read to you... seeing the things i've kept... feeling my presence next to you... hugging me... letting me look into your eyes... examine your hands... this is how you know me... but here are the pictures for as much as they can count for;)

the top one is the most current... taken today for this post;)
i hope all of you find yourselves beautiful, because all of you are...
i know.


Saturday, December 6, 2014

my life is being supported
listening to myself
to my spirit
to the One who dwells in me
acting on instruction
but i am supported
lean back on the hands of the 
listen and observe what already is
what has manifested
learn to trust
learn to ask
and receive.
learn to be loved
without resistance


listening and action... Taj31 and reverb14

 i'm just going to knock both of these out together....
 i have had the interesting experience of hanging around a LOT of musicians over the past 14 years... and it seems that they are on something that another musician friend of mine called 'the Verge.' always on the verge of doing something... always 'about to' do this or that... waiting on a phone call... setting it up... i used to hear these things ALL the time, and it got old so quickly. 
 when i became aware that i had personal, internal goals that i was wanting to meet but had put off because of work, i finally stepped down and off to the side so i could become what i had wanted to be for a while... 
 now, because i've been listening to my heart and my inner space... my spirit is asking for attention... and i have been generously blessed and supported to be able to devote my time and energy to practicing in my heart space... i don't know how to explain it. i am something other than what i know how to be... i've been taught a certain way my entire life... bound beyond what i am conscious of by society... and i seek to shrug it off... cut myself loose, and these things require both listening and then action... 'be ye not hearers only...'
 so i listen... and then i must act... even if it makes no sense to anyone else... but my life is being supported... and that brings a smile to my face... 


i've been hiding...

 we've been moving, and i've felt rough... crispy around the edges with a lack of patience... dry through and through with the changes in the wind... brittle from the bend of the new...
 i've snapped so many times in the last month that i can't count the apologies i've given... but i've had friends who have let me write to them when i needed to... prodded me to come out when i haven't wanted to, but reminded me that i'm connected... one or two that have visited at a moment's notice because i needed a hug... thank you.
 the full moon was last night and i have been sleeping... both figuratively and literally... resting... feeling my joints become more flexible...literally... waking up has been less and less painful... i'm waking with an actual smile on my face and loving the feeling of still being under my favorite blanket...
 i'm ready to come out... ready to do something other than hide... ready to be misunderstood, but ready to be me... ;) i feel like i'm regaining consciousness, and the dreams of the past few years are drifting back through my memory... interesting...

 good morning, lovelies;) i'll be seeing you soon;)

i know, right?! interesting choice atm...
but it fits... i'm in such a good mood,
but trust me, it fits... lol...

Friday, December 5, 2014

Happy New Year!!!

i know most of you are choosing to celebrate the mediocre New Year with 
everyone else,
while i have chosen to add an additional 2 months to my New Year by having
started it at the end of October...
though we be different, i am willing to meet you somewhere in the 
so to you i say, Happy New Year;)


Taj31: Envision

 imagining that my dreams, goals, and hopes are already in existence... feeling the emotions of them and leaning into them... 

 I read the prompt for today and took the time to write down AND envision a few of my goals for my immediate future... I am so blessed.

 And this is going to be a short post because I think we might go to Baylor for an adventure;) It's lovely outside... like 70F in December... yep. Texas. 

 What do you envision for you? What is it that you want out of your future, for yourself and those around you?

 Take care of yourself;)


Ps... Today's radical self-care was rolling out my yoga mat and doing some lower body strength pilates, took a looooooonnnnnggggg nap, and then woke up for a bath before picking Ez up from school;)

I also got the morning dishes done, the guinea pig's house switched over to clean, the laundry done, swept the floor in the kitchen... and now the boy has been bathed and smells delicious (no longer like,) has had a snack, and we wait for the other one to get home and hopefully cook dinner... I cooked last night;) (And shelled about 1/2 a pound of pecans to make those candied ones I posted about... I think I posted about them... maybe not... I made more...) 
And yes, I'm still trying to justify my self-care... which I shouldn't do... I get more done when I take care of myself... when I'm living in my 'zone.' 
And on a COMPLETELY positive note, I think my body has finally recovered from moving...knock on wood... no joint pain this morning;) And I'm getting the pilates habit back so that my back stays where it belongs;) (And because it makes my booty look good...;) I was going to say ass... I guess I just did,


Thursday, December 4, 2014

Taj31: Reflection

 I was almost disappointed and didn't know if I was going to post on this word today... Reflection. It seems like it's something I do all the time, but maybe sometimes, a different kind of reflection is necessary.
 I went to peel an small orange just a few minutes ago, the scent of the citrus skin seemed to transport me to when I was a small child. We lived in south Texas... on top of a hill, about an hour away from everything that even remotely resembled civilization. The first major city, Corpus Christi was about an hour and a half away to the north, if that gives you a bit of an idea of how south we were.
 Anyhow, all of our family, save for the ones that stayed in Europe (and two missionary relatives in Peru,) was in the north... grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins... so we saw them in the summers when we would travel to my grandmother's lake house.
 However, in January, usually around my birthday, my grandma and grandpa would make their way down to us and away from the snowy winter in Michigan. They stayed in a trailer under the trees on the back of our domesticated property on the edge of four acres of brush, pear cactus, and who knows what.
 Those were some of the happiest days of my childhood. Before I was old enough for school, I would wake up in the morning, get dressed, and walk the seven minutes it took 3 or 4 year old me down a rough caliche driveway to their trailer. My grandmother would greet me with an orange and when I was finished, we would would set about crocheting. I would work on little bags and things, while Grandma would finish afghan after afghan... she was amazing. I asked her once for a blanket for my doll bed and two days later, I had a pretty pastel blanket to keep my dolls warm in their cradle. I still have it. It's folded in the closet and keeps her memory close to me.
 My grandfather died when I was ten years old and we moved north to stay with my grandmother who was headed toward ninety years old. She was heartbroken for the rest of her life, I think. She wanted to stay on the lake where my grandpa had fished in the crystal clear water and where they had walked together to the Gull Lake Bible Ministry about an easy fifteen minute walk down the road. She lived there until it became clear that she needed around the clock attention, and that's when she came to live with us.
 I was 14 or 15 when she moved into the spare room... I lived in the basement away from everyone else... coming up only for school, work, food, or to go hang out in a smoky coffee shop, Perkatory... lol... and she would watch our comings and goings, enjoying a five minute conversation here and there when she could stop us. And she still crocheted... we started a granny square blanket together of rose, cream, and burgundy colored yarns. I still have the unfinished blanket in a box in my closet... every few years, I pull it out and connect some more squares, noticing the difference between her perfectly tensioned squares and my more puffy, sometimes irregular squares... she was a pro;)
 She passed when I was 16 and when my mother began to go through her things to send on to family, she found the case where my grandmother kept all of her crochet hooks... the ones that had traveled so many times to Texas with her, the same ones that I had used as a small child, and the same ones that she had used to create these things of love that wrapped around us and kept us warm. My mom gave them to me, and they were the only things I could have wanted out of everything else... the only real connection I felt to her.
 There are other things that I have that she gave me, but the hooks were something we shared. The tools of creating things of love... they held infinite possibility for me. She may as well have been giving me dreams and hope.
 So a simple orange brought all of that back in an instant... and I reflected on the love that she had for me, and still does. And as I started to regret not knowing her better, I felt her in my heart saying, "This is the way things are... everyone looks back and wishes for something more. This is how it should have been. Living. I was happy to see you living." And I knew it was her.
 It removed so much fear for the things and people I know will pass in the future... and released the insanity of feeling like I must remember every moment, because if I don't, I will have lost out. I will have nothing of that person, but that's not true. We will have shared love, and that will stick with me. I don't need to think and feel the dread of 'This may be the last time I see this person' every time I hug someone goodbye. That is a horrible thing to live with... good to keep in the back of your mind if you need a reminder to make sure they know they're loved, but to be painfully aware... I've had that for years, and it's contributed to an overwhelming fear of abandonment. Abandonment that I encounter in friends, lovers, and husbands... constantly, it seems.
 Maybe this time of reflection is a turning point... maybe she has released me... I feel lighter...

these are Grandma's crochet hooks
and i loved my oranges
little gifts every morning;)
thank you


Reverb 4: Conduits...

conduits...what energies did you channel this year...?
and what energies do i want to channel in 2015?

 This year, admittedly, I channeled broken heartedness. I let so much of it bleed out into the world that I ended my 2014 in October... so on the positive side, I gained 2 more months of 2015 and it's already better!!! I also channeled an earnest search in myself for who I am and where I am going. I reached the end of myself in other people... I had a deep sense of loss for most of the year... I was hollow, void and yet I thrashed and wrestled with this side of me... I looked for a way out and discovered so much on the way through. I found resolve. I found my unwillingness to let someone else change me again. I found my grounding.

 2015, so far, has brought an obsession with fully reconnecting to my intuition. I'm reading Clarissa Pinkola Estes' book Women Who Run With Wolves and learning. I'm also embracing my love affair with words and my right to be completely, fully, and gloriously misunderstood. I will say what I say the way that I say it, and if it isn't understood, then it wasn't meant for the hearer/reader... but someone will get it and it will touch their soul.
 I want to channel more creativity and hardiness... heading toward further sustainability in a sense of continuing to search out new ways to save money, resources, and not add to waste and destruction. I want my art to grow as well... channeling an energy to put myself and my creativity 'out there.' The blog is one effort, but it still keeps me partially hidden from everyone... I want to show my paintings somewhere... not just on Etsy.
 I am embracing my nurturing side without apology, and believe it or not, I have had to apologize for it, but I think the key I have been missing is to find more people to nurture... spread it out. 'Be' with people... not just focus on one or two people.

 There's so much more, but if I continue, this will turn into a manifesto... lmao;) A manifesto of love and desire in this life... but nonetheless, long and tedious.... so I stop here.

 Have a good morning, darlings..... xo;)

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Reverb: What can I love right now?

Today's prompt (I've been a day behind, apparently;) is 'What can I love right now?

I'm in the mood for a list...

*the complete silence at the moment being made interesting by a screaming cat somewhere outside...
*that i'll hear distant trains later as i drift off to sleep
*that i've stumbled over this list of prompts to create a daily ritual of self-examination
*that i have homemade bread, butter, and coffee to look forward to in the morning
*my favorite blanket that came from a garage sale for a dollar
*the battery operated candle that flickers all night at my bedside
*the simple scrap journaling i've been doing because real art feels like too much right now
*that my friend texted me back and made me feel a bit more connected
*that i get to see said friend in a couple of weeks for the first time in years and give him a hug;)
*the weather is finally getting cooler outside
*the pecans that fall into our yard and Casey's new hobby of picking them up to store for the winter
*that Ez is currently asleep
*that my new room is perfect for me... i feel like i have a little apt but i have my family right outside my door;)
*the way that the time alone is bringing more and more little realizations about myself and that i have time to process and integrate new things into my life
*that i've almost made my goal of not buying clothes for a year!!!
*actually looking forward to the holidays for the first time in YEARS...
*being 33 and knowing that i'll be ok at 44 and 55
*living with my best friend
*that it's time to climb into bed.... ;)

goodnight, loves


Where the pecans went...

 Ok... so about six months ago, I bought an antique nutcracker and pick set at a garage sale. I remembered my grandfather having a set just like it, so sentiment kicked in and I nicked it for $2! I was going to sell it, because it is vintage, but I ended up using it this evening to shell and clean 2 cups of pecans... which was not fun.
 But the results look yummy;)

 It was a really simple 2T of butter, 2T of dark brown sugar, 2T of organic maple syrup... melt all of that over a med heat until it's bubbly... stir it...STIR IT!
 Then put in your pecans;) Obviously without the shells... stir for 2-3 mins... coat em all...
Then throw em on some parchment or wax paper on a cookie sheet and put in a 350F oven for 5-6 mins... then let em cool;) Or burn yourself trying to eat one right away... which could also be fun... 
BTW... Your kitchen will smell AMAZING!

Easy Peasy... except for the shelling, but they were free... so what do you do?


Thinking about energy...

 i've been scrap journaling the last few days... keeping my pages small and uncomplicated with more writing than art. taking time for introspection because i've needed it... the pouring out that happens in art is too much sometimes... it can be soul nourishing, but it has been a drain the past few attempts... too much change in my life not to pause and take it all in. 
 in my journal writing, i listed a few thoughts (honestly) that i've been giving my energy to (kind of like that whole 'paying attention' thing,) and i saw that about 1/2 of them included the word 'worry' and the other half included 'in general' in nothing specific. no specific intention. wow. 
 that was the truth of things at that moment... 

*worries about money
*worries about myself and what i'm doing. am i progressing? (because worrying about it will drive me forward... right? no.)
*worries about my child's performance in school (we're having a few issues here and there)
*my blog in general... what am i doing?
etc etc etc

and then i decided to change the truth of the next moment... my new list includes:

*creating abundance and love... meditating on these two concepts and how they feel
*loving and helping my family with their dreams
*being a nurturing and calming presence for those around me
*being smart, frugal and growing our household wealth (not just financially...)
*being healthy and helping those around me be healthy
*feeling GOOD through monitoring my thoughts, staying in touch with my truth, and radically taking care of myself.

there is a difference, right? the second list is going to be more productive with my energy than that first one... and we become what we pay attention to, so paying attention to a worry? more worries will come! gah!

so that's where i just was fifteen minutes ago... ;)



These are art journaling/contemplation/journaling prompts...
I get mine through email, and you can sign up on the site.
Today's concept is:

 In thinking about 'releasing,' it occurs to me that I've been working to loosen my grip on so many things... one being the idea that I'm not secure unless I'm standing on my own two feet and only my own two feet. I've neglected the allowance of being supported or taken care of, and it has kept people at arms length.
 I hate the idea of 'owing' anyone anything, as it makes me feel indebted, so I've offended and missed out on so many wonderful gifts that others have tried to give me... gifts of time, of support, of words spoken into my life as compliments... all of these have caused suspicion to bubble up from my depths... 
 I'm working to release these things... I've changed my lifestyle. At the moment, I don't work. My best friend and husband offered to support me and has told me that there are not expectations on my time... I'm just supposed to spend time 'being me.' We're in a different sort of arrangement atm, and it's taken a lot of freaking out and reevaluating on my part to finally begin to accept the kindness and absolute love and care, but I'm working at it. I'm leaning into it is probably the more appropriate idea... but this has been a huge leap of faith.
 The rewards of doing this so far have been amazing... I've felt my desire to connect to what's around me begin to come back (now that we're done I'm also taking a break from the whole creative thing at this point in time, so I'm kind of releasing that to be what it's going to be... I don't feel like doing anything, so I'm just resting... and that's not easy either.
 I am writing more than I have in years, which has been a generous blessing as I've been able to express myself in was that even my art journals haven't fulfilled... I know I'll pick them up again, but atm, I am loving the words. ;)


Tuesday, December 2, 2014

free prompts;)

Mine are coming as emails and I'm already enjoying it... 
touching my soul as the season begins
deepening my delight;)



embrace the dance
love what doesn't make sense yet
hold on to my own hope and faith 
and keep my hands open for the new
wrap up in being misunderstood
run toward my fears and dreams that seem 'too big'
revel in the feeling of not wanting to do much
embrace not knowing.

Morning;) Radical Action #4: Loving

 i started thinking about how i'm going to get into the rhythm of this 'not working' thing... i'm supposed to be 'doing whatever it is i do and working at just being me,' says Casey sternly. (he's my best friend... or one of them... i think.)
 so i thought of the vacations i've taken and how it takes me about a week of being drunk to finally realize that i don't have to call my team, stay on a schedule, or even answer my phone... i just get to be gloriously free... sigh;) so isn't that what i've been ordered to do? isn't that what i've been longing to do? to be able to take care of myself and not worry about these other things? yes. yes to all of that.
 and so began Radical Action #4: Loving myself (hehehe... school girl giggle... ok, more like bar girl smirk...lmao) the guys let me wake up late (i like to help Ez get ready for school... takes some of the rush out of Casey's morning...) i set about my chores (which i don't mind, because i love having a tiny jewel of a house... a sanctuary... my own nest...) which included sweeping the living room, the kitchen, the laundry room area (it's all open hardwood floors,) wiping down the tub, the bathroom sink, getting almost all of the mountain of 'moving laundry' done, separated out our old kitchen towels to be used for cleaning towels, put my clothes and all the hanging clothes away, got a few things we missed while moving ready for donation, took out the trash, put away some dishes that were dry (no dish washer in this house, and that's AOK,) and i think that's about it... started around 8, and was done by 10.30ish... it shouldn't take as long when i get a routine started...
 the boys didn't make their beds today, so they will be doing that when they get home... i'm not a maid and this house is not a hotel... (i'm a really militant roommate who takes care of people but only helps when they help themselves.) and we're a family, so yeah;)

for me...
i took a long shower
washed my dreads
completely moisturized my skin
massaged my own feet (i don't mind:)
hooked some new dreads that i put in a day or so ago
took time to journal a bit
ate a really good salad...i am LOVING pico right now
am sitting here in the complete silence, eyes half closed
writing this post
and after this, i'm going to read some soul nourishing blogs...

BTW: Something that has stuck with me in watching Ralph Smart from Infinite Waters is that when you pay attention to something, it grows... you give it your energy. I started observing myself last night and what I've been paying attention to... and it wasn't anything that 1. I could control 2. should still be important based on patterns or at least the current state should be accepted and let go 3. was being positively influenced by my attention being put on it, but I was definitely PAYING A PRICE. That price was my energy being given to things that didn't deserve it.
 I'm paying attention to what I'm loving and what's nourishing me... that's my plan. Executing Radical Action #4: Paying attention to me and what matters to me... Self love... ;) I'm not giving away anymore energy to things, thoughts, ideas, people and everything else that doesn't need it, want it, or is no longer supporting me in being the best version of myself.

So have a BEAUTIFUL day, my darlings;)